


chronos

by verkwanchan



Series: the world needs more verkwan angst [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, hansol being sad, hansol is a writer, just tears tbh, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 05:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11373090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verkwanchan/pseuds/verkwanchan
Summary: tick, tock. tick, tock.it's 12:38am and it's been 74 hours, 22 minutes, and 37 seconds since seungkwan left him.





	chronos

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so, this is the first verkwan fic ive ever written? also the first fic ive ever posted! hope you enjoy this shitstorm of tears

tick, tock. tick tock.

it's 12:38am and it's been 74 hours, 22 minutes, and 37 seconds since seungkwan left him.

three days, and it still hasn't sunk in.

he thought seungkwan understood. at least, he hoped he did. but everyone has their limits, and it was not hard to see that seungkwan reached his.

but he was not pinning the failure of their relationship on seungkwan, god no. it was all his fault and he knew it. during creative processes, hansol disappears into his own little world. he knows that when this happens he ignores everything and everyone, and that included seungkwan. he thought seungkwan would understand, being with him for so many years. but maybe it was too much this time. maybe he was too much.

he never thought the day would ever come that he would have to wake up and not find seungkwan asleep beside him. he has always thought that they'd be together until one of them dies, and that was it. he was his other half, goddamn it. if half of him is gone, then how was he supposed to live as one?

it's been 75 hours, 13 minutes, and 5 seconds, and he misses seungkwan so, so much.

does seungkwan miss him too? is he lying awake thinking about him as well? is seungkwan hurting the way he's hurting too?

seungkwan's pillow still smells like that organic shampoo he loves so much. he wants to call him so bad, he wants to hear his voice, even if it's only to hear him say goodbye. even if it's only to drive the knife in his chest even further.

it's been 76 hours, 2 minutes, and 57 seconds. they say that time takes the pain away. if that is truly so, then why does being apart from seungkwan just feels more and more painful with every passing second?

 _'baby come home please'_  
_'i promise to be better, i swear, i swear just come back'_  
_'seungkwan please. i can't do this without you'_  
each message he types is turning more and more desperate with every new one. he deletes all of them. seungkwan might not reply, it might all be for naught. or seungkwan might, and that scares hansol more, if he's being honest.

 _'i'm so pathetic,'_ he laughs bitterly to himself. maybe it was better that seungkwan left him. he deserved so much better than him. seungkwan was the sun, he was bright and beautiful, everyone gravitated towards him. if he lived in ancient egypt, he would be worshipped. he had the sun in his arms and he took him for granted.

 _"you'll_ _be fine without me,"_ seungkwan told him before saying goodbye, tears silently streaming down his face. hansol was trying his hardest not to cry. _"you've always been strong, jagi. be happy, okay? how i wish i can stay to see you shine even more. but i have to take care of myself, too. that's why, that's why i have to leave."_ seungkwan stares at him for a while, caressing hansol's cheek, and wiping away a stray tear that he didn't even notice has fallen.

watching seungkwan walk away was the hardest thing he had to do in his entire life. _"not even a hug goodbye?"_ he asked, trying to stall seungkwan. because he knew, he knew that once he walked out that door, it was over. seungkwan stopped walking. _"i can't,"_ his voice catching in his throat. _"why not?"_ it takes seungkwan a few seconds to answer. _"because i know that if i do, i wouldn't be able to make myself leave."_ and with that, he was out of the door.

seungkwan once said hansol reminded him of the moon. seungkwan also told hansol to be happy without him. but here's the thing: the moon couldn't shine without the sun. so how could seungkwan expect him to be happy if he's not by his side?

 _"ya, you can't find anyone else like me,"_ he remembers laughing when seungkwan told him that. but thinking back now, he knows it's true. no one will ever make him laugh the way his kwannie did, no one will ever find all of his stupid quirks cute like he did, no one to get all the stupid references that he makes. no one will ever love him the way seungkwan did. whole, fulfilling, and absolute.

against his better judgment, he calls seungkwan. it rings and rings, he was starting to think that seungkwan wasn't gonna pick up until he heard a soft and hoarse, _"hello?"_.

"kwannie," he says, suddenly breathless, like all the air has been knocked out of his chest. he feels like he hasn't heard his voice in a lifetime.

"sol-ah. it's late," he sounds tired, and judging from his voice, hansol knows he's been crying.

"how have you been?" it was a stupid question, and he knew it.

"how do you think i've been, hansol?" seungkwan knew it was a stupid question, too.

"i'm sorry, i just. i don't know," he's so pathetic, he's just hoping that seungkwan won't hang up, please, _please_.

"why did you call me?" he sounds so exhausted, he knows that seungkwan does not want to deal with his shit anymore, he knows that he has hurt seungkwan enough. and yet, he is selfish. he's going to keep this call going for as long as he can. because he knows, he knows that this might be the last time he's gonna get a chance to talk to seungkwan ever again.

"i-i don't know, i don't. i just, i miss you so much," he said, his voice cracking.

"hansol, please. i can't do this," he has never heard seungkwan sound so sad, so broken. not even on the night he left him.

"i just need to know something, please. just answer this one question," he knows he's sounding more and more desperate, but he no longer cares.

"do you, do you think that maybe one day—not right now, okay, not anytime soon—do you think that one day we might be able to try again? do you think that we could still?" the floodgates have opened at this point, and tears are freely streaming down his face.

"i-i don't think so. i don't think we can, not anymore," hansol feels his chest tighten. stupid, _stupid_ , hansol. how could he have expected anything else? why did he expect anything else?

"okay, just grant me this one last request, alright? after this, no more. after this, i'm going to leave you alone. just tell me you love me, just, just one last time," he said, feeling his throat constrict on the last sentence.

"i can't," seungkwan said, the pain audible in his voice.

"why? because you don't love me anymore?" he thought hearing it would hurt him, it turns out, not hearing it hurt even more.

"no. i couldn't, because i still do. goodbye, hansol."

and the line was dead.

it's been 77 hours, 49 minutes, and 21 seconds. hansol said he'll stop counting once seungkwan comes back.

a huge part of hansol says seungkwan never would.

hansol keeps counting.

tick tock, tick tock.

77 hours, 51 minutes, and 17 seconds.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i have plans of making like a short prequel thing like from seungkwan's perspective just like showing a glimpse of how it all went wrong? tell me if you'd like that idk


End file.
